The T*Girl Test - Am I a transvestite? Are you a tranny? Does it matter?

The T*TEST - How much of a T*Girl are you?

The T*Test - How T*Girlie are you?
Ever wondered how much of a TGirl you really are? Are you just a plain old tranny, or a young vibrant one? Are you verging on the transsexual, or veering towards being a vixen? Well now there's a way to find out. No oral test is required (oo-err), just answer the scientismically designed questions below and my gendermathematical femininotron will calculate just how tgirlie you really are on a scale of 'not' to 'lot'. The test is based on literally hours¹ of research and is backed up by such venerable institutions as 'Helminton Tharrp's College for the Short-Term Decerebralised' and 'The Medrocksburg Headbrainsplat Institute'. The results are guaranteed for 2 years against corrosion and breakage. Now what more of an assurance could you possibly need? ¹ Actual research may not match that quoted.

Question 1. You decide to go to the opening night of a glitzy new t*club where the keyword is 'glamorous' and the undertones 'sexy'. What do you wear?

	a) A long hand-sewn sequined dress with slits up the front, side and back that show your pink jewel encrusted knickers, 7" diamante platform stilettos, long silver gloves and enough diamonique jewellery to put QVC out of business.
	b) A stunning MaxMara evening dress, rediculously strappy Gucci sandals, a matching Prada handbag, fur-lined Versace jacket, a sparkling Tiffany necklace and La Perla underwear, sweety.
	c) A slightly faded green and blue checked woollen skirt and matching cream nylon blouse together with your favourite maroon cardigan and flat-soled shoes, all bought at Oxfam - you can't beat them for value you know.
	d) Some silky knickers under your jeans and a camisole under your t-shirt. It feels nice and no-one will know...

Question 2. The opening night arrives and you arrange for a friend to pick you up at 9. It's now 9.30 and they still haven't turned up. Do you:

	a) Hope they don't arrive any time soon as your nails still aren't dry, your hair is still in need of attention and to be honest you're not sure if these shoes go with this dress - best try another pair to be sure.
	b) Mince around sipping champagne and checking your make-up in one of the 16 mirrors dotted around your house, bitching about how unreliable other t*girls are and how important it is to be not too fashionably late for these events, darling.
	c) Wonder whether they got the message you left on their home answer phone 30 minutes ago when you decided to book a cab and get to the club by yourself, as you mingle with the crowds and down your 4th glass of chardonnay.
	d) Try teletext for the travel news to see if Dave have got stuck on the A5 like he usually does. Not to worry, so long as the price of lager doesn't go up after 11pm you'll be alright when you get there.

Question 3. Standing in the corner is that t*girl whose web-site is a beacon of the t*community and which puts yours in the shade. You:

	a) Stand in an opposite corner, marvelling at her from afar. After all, she's unlikely to want to talk to a lowly tranny like me. Girls like that are way out of my league.
	b) Storm over pushing everyone else out of the way and confront her directly. How dare she usurp your position on the 'Tranny Top 100 web-sites'. Insist that she closes down now or it's war.
	c) Mince around sipping champagne and checking your make-up in the mirrors bitching behind her back about how unfair it is and how everyone should stop talking to her as she's obviously up her own arse.
	d) Sorry, web-site? I learnt everything I know by watching those lovely daytime television programmes and ooh, isn't that Doris over there, she said she'd bring me a copy of that new Woman's Weekly knitting pattern.

Question 4. It's the end of the night and the club is closing. Across the town is another club that stays open for another 2 hours. You decide to:

	a) Queue jump the taxi-rank and ensure that you arrive there first so that you can spill the beans on the new club before anyone else gets a chance to. After all, people expect you to be the paragon of gender gossip.
	b) Await the arrival of the stretch limo that you ordered then climb into it with dignity and aplomb, simultaneously ensuring that as many people as possible get a glimpse of your knickers.
	c) Decision, me?! You must have someone else in mind. I'd rather stand outside this club faffing around seeing whether anyone worthy of merit is going on. What do you think, should I go? Are you going?
	d) Take your shoes off and walk back to your Renault Fuego which you had to park round the corner so no one would see you. It takes a good hour for the engine to warm up so your only option now is to slink off home.

Question 5. A slim, attractive transvestite comes over and starts chatting to you. You realise she's interested in being more than just friends. Your reaction is to:

	a) Tell her politely and courteously that you aren't interested in that kind of thing, you're straight as a die, whilst at the same time wondering to yourself just what it might have been like.
	b) Check your wallet to see whether you've got enough cash on you to end the evening in the kind of mutually beneficial situation that you assume she is insinuating. Realise you haven't ask if she takes plastic (to which she answers, 'that will be extra').
	c) Make sure that your friends aren't watching and invite her back to the hotel you booked which is just around the corner, stopping to collect some of the free condoms they always have available in reception.
	d) Spend a delightful evening mincing around together, sipping champagne and checking each other's make-up in the mirrors bitching about the other girls whilst making sure that all the jealous onlookers realise that you've pulled.

Question 6. You arrive home at the end of the evening, exhausted but smiling. You feel:

	a) Down heartened. The next time you get a chance to go out might be in another 6 months if 'her indoors' goes to visit her mother's again or you can convince her you're going on another 'training' course.
	b) On top of the world. There's no feeling like it: expressing your inner femininity in such a perfect way. It's a shame it's over for another week but hey ho, everyone needs beauty sleep sometimes.
	c) Annoyed. You left the light on and the window open and now your flat is full of bugs and flies. Oh well, gives you something to bitch about down the club with the girls tomorrow night whilst you mince around sipping champagne checking your make-up in your compact.
	d) A cock up your arse...! Sorry, I got told I should phrase that more eloquently. How's about: d) A lust truncheon in your love receptacle...! or: d) A spordid gleet in your moul foxton...! (cryptic)

Question 7. Morning arrives after a big night out, the sun bursts through your window, the birds twitter outside your bedroom window. You open your eyes to see:

	a) Your crocheted throw has fallen off your bed overnight and is now languishing on the floor next to your collection of hand-sewn china dolls and selection of socks in all shades (from beige to oatmeal).
	b) Very little. You forgot to take your make-up off because you were too drunk and your eyelashes have melded together through some kind of nuclear chemical reaction between your mascara and eyeliner.
	c) Your clothes and wig hung neatly up in the wardrobe and shoes tidied away. Your loving partner has brought you a breakfast of warm croissants, confiture and fresh coffee on a silver platter with a single rose in a crystal vase.
	d) You're not quite sure but from the looks of it you either spent the night with Dame Edna or you accidentally slipped Rohypnol in your own drink by mistake.

Question 8. After breakfast you switch on your computer to check your e-mail to find:

	a) There are 73 posts from various internet chat groups, mostly discussing the pros and cons of mincing around with a glass of champagne in your hand bitching about something or another.
	b) 12 e-mails from admirers wanting 'pictures', 8 e-mails from other trannies keen to meet up as long as their wife doesn't find out and 2 e-mails from your friends inviting you out last night (you really must check more often).
	c) Your service provider has stopped supporting 'Prestel' terminals and worse: your ZX Spectrum has developed an annoying fault whereby it beeps and squeaks endlessly for no apparent reason.
	d) I've never got past where it says 'Press Any Key', because I can't find the 'Any' key. Anyway, I'm much happier reading real mail like this lovely letter from Doris about those leatherine slouching sandals she was telling me about.

Question 9. You turn on the radio for a bit of entertainment to lift your spirit after the late night. You listen to:

	a) Gaydar Radio. After all, only non-stop pumping camp trance and handbag tunes so fast that dancing to them takes you into a blur will do. Anything else would seem straight and boring in comparison.
	b) Radio 1. The appaling quality of what passes for chart music these days gives you something to bitch about next time you're out sipping champagne with the girls, checking your make-up in the nearest mirror.
	c) Radio 2. And that lovely Steve Wright. Oooh, they just played 'Crazy for you' by Madonna, and followed it by 'In the Army Now' by Status Quo, now surely that's class in anyone's book.
	d) Static. I always find the swooshing of background noise most relaxing and refreshing. I just love these modern stereograms, you can hear every 'snushing' and 'clisping' noise perfectly. Anyone know how to tune it in?

Question 10. A delivery man knocks, bringing you the new dress you ordered from that exclusive web-site. You greet him with:

	a) A knowing smile. Despite the parcel being labelled 'Big Girl's Blouse' you figure that he'll think it's for your girlfriend. When the door closes you realise you still have nail-varnish on. Oops.
	b) A wink and a flash of your stocking tops. He turns down your offer and scarpers at a speed usually reserved for Formula 1 drivers. Maybe your see-through baby-doll nightie was too much.
	c) The fourteen other dresses you ordered last week, of which none fitted, even after mincing around in front of a mirror with a glass of champagne in your hand. What passes for a size 10 these days?
	d) A blank stare. The kind that have been so well perfected by the so-called 'sales assistants' in electrical retail stores. After all, any sign of emotion may give the game away...

Don't worry, the questions get a lot easier from now on...

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